For the last few weeks I’ve been reading back through my old training logs from 2013.

The journey to my third marathon.
The structure.
The consistency.
The obsession with splits, heart rate, pacing and recovery.
The excitement of watching progress happen week after week.
The worry when I was sick or missed a session.

And honestly, reading it all brought up something that I knew was there.

Longing.

Not necessarily to run a 3:28 marathon again.
Not even to race.

But longing for the feeling of being a runner.
The structure of training.
The quiet satisfaction of putting on my gear and heading out the door for a run.
The feeling of a body that could run.

Over the last few years I’ve tried several times to get back into running properly. Each time I’ve managed to build some fitness before picking up an injury and losing momentum again.

What’s interesting is that the engine still seems to be there.

My Garmin still rates my VO2 Max as “Excellent” for my age. My heart rate variability is actually improving recently, especially since starting CPAP therapy. Swimming, gym work and better sleep are all helping.

But I think I’ve finally realised something important:

My cardiovascular system and my musculoskeletal system are no longer on the same page.

My heart, lungs and mind still think I’m capable of doing much more than my tendons, calves, hips and joints are ready to tolerate consistently.

And maybe that’s the real lesson of getting older.

At 40 I could bully my body into adaptation.
At 52 I probably need to build trust with it instead.

The strange thing is that reading the old logs reminded me the magic was never really in any individual session.

It wasn’t the mile repeats.
Or the tempo runs.
Or the races.

It was the consistency.

Week after week of simply showing up.

Easy runs.
Long runs.
Stretching.
Recovery.
Structure.
Routine.

Running slowly became part of who I was.

And maybe that’s what I miss most.

Not fitness.
Not race times.
Not medals.

Momentum.

So this time the goal is different.

I don’t want to prove anything.
I don’t want to force marathon fitness back into existence.
And I definitely don’t want another cycle of pushing too hard, getting injured and stopping again.

This time I want to build durability.

I want to become someone who runs regularly again.

Even if that initially means:
20 minute runs.
Run/walk sessions.
Easy pace.
Stopping before I need to stop.

Because I think the real challenge now is not learning how to push harder.

Maybe it’s learning to hold back enough to allow consistency to accumulate again.

And honestly, I’d love to stand on the start line of a 5K again someday.

Not because I need to run a certain time.

Just because I’d like to feel that buzz again.
The nerves.
The atmosphere.
The feeling of belonging among runners.

And maybe someday after that, another marathon.

Not to relive the past.
But to discover what running might look like in this chapter of my life.